New Arrival
by The Kitty-kitty
Summary: Having cooked in Grimmauld Place’s out-dated kitchen for months, Molly Weasley decides it needs something… sadly, though, not everyone agrees (one-shot)


Title: New Arrival

Author: (The) Kitty-kitty

Rating: PG

Spoilers: _Azkaban, Goblet, Order._

Summary: Having cooked in Grimmauld Place's out-dated kitchen for months, Molly Weasley decides it needs something… sadly, though, not everyone agrees (one-shot)

Disclaimer: Sadly, none of the characters you see before you are mine. Harry Potter and associates belong to Warner Bros., JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, Scholastic and Raincoat books.

Notes: Going to post this after editing 'What Would You Do Without Me?' which was absolutely _terrible _(I kid you not) as I'd written it and posted it as soon as I possibly could (that note was for readers). This isn't quite so rambling as all the characters were established. Another late-night fiction, another one-shot. The _timeline_ is around the summer of '95, before Harry came to Grimmauld Place.

New Arrival

Remus Lupin cleared his throat as Molly's expectant gaze across the assembled group stopped and fixed on him. For the last month, all she'd talked about was the kitchen's dire need of an oven and now she'd managed to get it, well… the Order members didn't know what to think. Most of them had never seen an oven in their life. The few purebloods were used to house elves and others depended on "Five minute meals – it's magic!" or Witch Weekly's food supplement.

"Goodness," he said. "Very… lifelike, isn't it?"

"Incredibly oven-ish, Molly," said Tonks encouragingly, slapping the woman on the back so hard that Mrs. Weasley actually pitched forward.

"I like it," said Sturgis. "It's shiny."

"And green," added Kingsley in his usual soft monotone. "Good colour choice, Molly."

"Handy, that," growled Moody. "It's already camouflaged against enemy attacks."

Molly Weasley swelled importantly. Praise for anything in the kitchen she ran was as good as any other. One by one the Order members were subjected to the sweat-inducing look Molly usually reserved for making the twins confess (she'd once used the same look on a visit to the Ministry. Two weeks later she'd been offered a job there, interrogating Death Eaters) and one by one they produced a compliment they thought sounded convincing.

"Looks like it could withstand a flood," said Emmeline Vance uncertainly.

"Just like the one my mum used to use for the clothes," Hestia Jones twittered, "does it take washing powder or… or that funny pink liquid that smells sweet?"

Between the assembled twenty, a choice few realized her mistake. Tonks edged over and whispered something helpfully to the little witch.

"'Course my mum always was a bit batty. Of course you don't wash clothes in an oven!" squeaked Hestia.

Molly's gaze settled on Sirius, who at once tried to stare her down.

"… Why is it staring at me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at the oven. In return, the oven stayed _perfectly still _in what Sirius considered to be a rather smug way. 

"Sirius, it's an oven," said Molly patiently. "It doesn't stare."

"I tell you, it's staring at me," said Sirius.

"It doesn't even have eyes!" said Molly.

"I know," said Sirius as he moved uneasily away from the oven. "That's the unnerving bit about it."

"Don't be silly, Sirius," said Molly, gently reprimanding him in the way that only a mother of seven could.

Sirius scowled at the oven. It stared back eerily with eyes it didn't have. His resolve broke and he stormed off to sit at the kitchen table, startling Ron and Hermione from a chess game.

"What's wrong?" asked Hermione.

"That thing keeps staring at me," said Sirius sulkily.

"Oi, that's my mum you're talking about," Ron said, bristling.

"Not _that_ thing. The _'oven'_ she's put in. There's something … occult about it."

"I know what you mean," said Ron. "Anything that takes more than ten minutes to cook a chicken has an ulterior motive, if you ask me. It's got to be doing _something_ in that extra few hours."

"Don't be ridiculous, you two." Hermione tore her attention away from her last pawn to give them both despairing looks but smacked Ron's hand when he reached for the board to take his next turn early. "Ovens are Muggle inventions and Muggle-made. They're very unlikely to be cursed or haunted or even self-cleaning (no matter what the salesman might say)."

"… I suppose," said Sirius and Ron in unison. (Though Ron's voice was a little more pained as he was nursing his poor injured hand)

"Two more moves should finish that game," said Sirius mystically, before rising once more and wandering back to Remus.

Ron gave Hermione a baffled look and was alarmed to find her beaming back at him. He suddenly found himself hoping that Sirius's comment had been directed at _him_.

"Your move, Ron," said Hermione sweetly.

Ron frowned and rubbed the imaginary bristles on his chin, then smirked and took her bishop.

"Checkmate," said Hermione quickly, making the killing move. "Now, what was that bet again? The loser had to… oh, what was it?"

"Do anything the winner said," said Ron.

"Good. We've still got homework to finish so let's get our books, shall we?"

"… Books," said Ron flatly. "Of course."

-

Molly held out an apron and pursed her lips. "You are going to learn to use the oven. Then you won't be afraid of it. They say facing your greatest fear eliminates it."

"I'm not afraid of that _thing_," said Sirius. The oven stayed _viciously _still and threateningly stared him down. "It's the apron. It's pink. And flowery. I can't wear that."

"Oh, come on. Who's going to see you in it, anyway? There's just Remus and I here," said Molly. Behind her, Remus's face creased into what looked like an incredibly painful smile of encouragement. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"… Since I've nothing better to do," he said reluctantly, pulling the loop over his head. "Now what?"

"Oven glove," said Molly.

"Ah, it matches the apron," said Remus cheerfully. "At least you won't clash."

Outside, in the hallway, Severus Snape was having a very surprising day (to say the least.) He'd been woken that morning by an extremely hyper bundle of feathers that could be called an owl in the right light (and a winged puffskien in any other light) from Molly, confirmation of another meeting. At said Order meeting, he'd been forced (physically) to sit still while Nymphadora Tonks braided his hair and now, having unravelled the braids, he was witnessing the Apocalypse.

He'd just caught sight of Sirius Black in something flowery and pink.

"Nice to see that Black's finally dressing to suit his personality," he muttered.

Very briefly, Severus's surprising day became very astonishing indeed as a vase struck his forehead and shattered. Very briefly, that is, because two seconds later he passed out.

"Sirius!" said Remus sharply, "behave!"

"Didn't see him there," said Sirius, feigning as much innocence as he could. "It was just a bit of target practise."

"What were you aiming at?"

"… his head," Sirius admitted. "You have to admit it was a good shot."

Remus and Molly exchanged looks of despair.

"You get some ice and I'll get the disinfectant," sighed Remus.

 "D'you want help?" said Sirius.

"_You _can go and wake Severus up again," said Molly.

Sirius looked helplessly from the prone Snape on the floor in the hallway to the oven, caught in a moment of severe confusion as Remus went to search the bathroom cabinet for some Savlon and Molly disappeared into the next room. Then, emitting a small squeak, Sirius grabbed his wand and edged away from the oven to wake the lesser of two evils.

-

"Now, open the oven door and take out the chicken," said Molly, giving Sirius a gentle push towards the oven. He looked at her as though she was mad.

"Go on," said Remus encouragingly. Then, after a moment's consideration, added "unless you want Molly to _protect _you from an inanimate object."

"Oh, please. That doesn't work on me," said Sirius. "For one thing, Molly's twice as strong as either of us so I don't have to feel the _least _bit threatened by being protected from that thing by her."

"Sirius, if you don't get that chicken out of the oven, Remus and I are locking you in with it!" said Molly sharply.

Sirius snatched the tea-towel out of her grip and took the wand Remus had been offering him, before edging towards the oven. Molly and Remus held their breaths.

"It's green. Green's the colour of evil, you know," said Sirius pointedly, stopping a few feet short of the oven door.

"Harry's eyes are green," said Remus amiably, "you're calling your godson's eyes evil."

"Harry's an exception. He _inherited _those."

"So you're calling Lily's eyes evil?"

"Stop twisting my words!" exclaimed Sirius.

"They don't need twisting, that's what you're saying," said Remus. "Not only are you calling your godson and his mother evil, but you're disrespecting the dead."

Sirius wrenched the oven door open, shielding his face from the blast of hot air from within. "Why weren't you a Slytherin?"

"I don't look good in green," said Remus, sounding as though he mildly regretted the fact.

"You're half way there," said Molly. Sirius's antics were beginning to fray her usually infinite good temper (save when the twins pranks were involved). "Now, take the chicken out and turn the oven off!"

Ignoring her, Sirius put the tea-towel over his hands and pulled the oven's top shelf towards him, bracing himself for some sort of attack. He stared into the oven's inner gloom for a few seconds, then yelped.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, what is it?" growled Molly.

"It's got me!" howled Sirius, holding his hand aloft with a horrified expression. "I'm dying!"

Remus pulled Sirius's wrist down and inspected it, frowning as he did. The oven's shelf had heated up so much in the few hours they'd left the chicken in that it had burnt right through the tea-towel separating Sirius's grip from the oven-tray and burnt his hand.

"Oh dear," said Remus.

"Oh dear? That thing assaulted me! I want it _out _of my kitchen!" growled Sirius.

"Well, it's not _getting_ out," said Molly, "so you can get used to it!"

"Here we go," muttered Remus.

"I beg your pardon? I don't think your opinion really matters in this situation!"

"_I'M_ the one who cooks and cleans! I should think that counts for something – it's a lot more than you do!"

"This is MY house, Molly Weasley, whether you accept that or not!"

"Oh, I've accepted that _perfectly! _Just as I've accepted that the owner of this house is an utter idiot and a coward!"

"I AM _NOT_ A COWARD!"

"THEN STAND UP TO THAT OVEN AND SHOW IT WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!" shrieked Molly, going thoroughly red in the face.

"I WILL!" roared Sirius_. _He snatched the chicken out of the oven with his bare hands, dropped it on the table and kicked the oven door shut, turning on Molly with a superior expression. Ready to scorch her with the fire of triumph, his shoulders sunk with his face when he saw that she was beaming back at him.

"That wasn't so hard, now, was it?" she said.

-

"Ow, ow, ow," growled Sirius. Remus patted his shoulder comfortingly with his free hand, though his other hand pinned Sirius's arms to the sink. He was soaking the animagus's burnt hands under the cold tap (something that was being done under severe protest).

"Never mind," he said, "we'll just plug it out for now, shall we?"

"Plug it out?" repeated Sirius.

"The oven's electric, which means it has to be plugged into the wall to work. It gets the electricity from inside the wall, so when the plug is taken out it's got no power," said Remus.

"You mean… it kills it?" asked Sirius, his voice dropping low as though he didn't want the oven to overhear the conversation.

"Well, yes, in a way… but it works when you plug it back in again," said Remus.

"That's _awful," _whispered Sirius.

"But you can be sure it's not going to come near you if it's plugged out," Remus said cheerily.   
  
"Remus, Severus Snape won't come near me if I rip his heart out but that doesn't mean I want to do _that," _hissed Sirius, his voice still very low. "I'd get blood all over my nice clean hands."

"The oven stays?" asked Remus.

"Fine… but don't expect me to use it."

And they all lived happily ever after (save for Severus - who had a large bump on his head for the next month. Remus - who burnt his hand on the oven two days later and was caught cursing it by Molly. Molly – Whom, two weeks later, stumbled across a boggart and was traumatised by visions of her family dying… and finally Sirius, who was killed by JK Rowling the next summer…

… Que sera sera, no?)


End file.
